Yes, I will speak of Armand, my Amadeo who breaks my heart. May he forgive me for my weakness, for making him what he is at that age. Emotionally he is still that bruised child, but so utterly without hope! All these years have killed what little hope I was able to nurse in him back in 15th century Venice. Daniel seems to give him pleasure; I'm glad of that. I fear for Armand, for I've seen this look on his face of utter...resignation. He does not even have the power, the strength to fight the despair in his heart; he has simply accepted it. Compared to Armand's despair, even Louis's suffering is nothing, because Louis still struggles with it and he will live as long as he can fight. Armand, his can only end in destruction.
Armand was time and again torn from the ones he loved most, even in his short mortal life. He is a lost boy, always on the search for someone who can help him find his way home. But we have all failed him. He reaches out but all he finds is empty air. I should have found him earlier, have been there for him, have shown him the light! I weep for him, even now. I hear that Armand pushed Lestat off the tower in Paris after Claudia's death; but no one recognizes that that was Armand's cry for help.
You know, Armand's old name was Amadeo, which means "he who loves God." I always felt that it should be "beloved of God." I think he was so beloved to some jealous god that this god made sure Armand would belong to no one but him.
My poor Amadeo! The mere mention of his name gives me pain. As a principle, I do not live with regrets; yet I cannot stop thinking about how much could have been avoided and how wonderful his existence could have been to himself, had we not been parted so prematurely. I look at him and I see a young boy still, stretching himself to be more than he is and so completely believing in this facade, that he cannot be anything else anymore.
So you see, Armand is my wound that will not heal. I only hope you, too, will understand his tragedy and to love him for the monster that he is. May he find his peace some day...
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Uploaded July 4, 1997